As we draw closer to the thick of Summer, many people will be swarming to get out of the heat! When I was younger, one of my favorite past times during those Summer months was to go to the ice cold theaters, and enjoy at least three movies a day. Mind you, you really didn’t have much of a choice, as growing up in Texas, you either stayed indoors, or suffered from heat stroke. I preferred the first one. Over the years, however, many studios have taken it upon themselves to try and relive the magic of the “good ole days,” and do something that most movie lovers, such as myself, loathe: they make a reboot. Now, keep in mind, not all reboots are bad. In fact, there are some that actually outshine their original source material, such as 2006’s Casino Royale, 2005’s Batman Begins, and of course, 2011’s Rise of the Planet of the Apes.The thing, however, that many of us loathe, is the fact that for each title I listed, there are dozens of remakes and reboots that tried to take off running, and tripped, tumbled head over heels, and bit it. Hard. Here’s a list of 5 movie reboots that really didn’t need to happen!
5. Planet of the Apes (2001)
Yup, this one is starting our list of bad reboots. Now you may be thinking, “But Eddie, you just mentioned the other one up in the top! Why is this one bad if the one you listed is a reboot too?” And to that, I answer…no. This is truly not on the same page as the one I listed. To start off, I think the director was a mistake. Now, I love Tim Burton, and his movie fill the shelves of Blu-rays and DVD’s in my home, but I didn’t really fully grasp his full vision of this film-and I think many other critics felt the same way. Holding steady at a 45% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes, the film makes a difficult leap into serious sci-fi, and falls short, coming up to barely laughable. It received a Raspberry award for worst remake or sequel at the 22nd Golden Raspberry Awards, solidifying it’s place in cinema history as one of Tim Burton’s darkest times, and not in a good way.
4. Godzilla (1998)
The film, starring Ferris Bueller- I mean, Matthew Broderick, only took in $379 million total, and scored a 16% on Rotten Tomatoes. Critics were not fond of this one, to say the least. But beyond the critics, fans were not enamored with it either, as longtime devotees of the franchise were outraged at how Roland Emmerich- yes, the man behind Independence Day and its sequel- could disregard several years of source material, to create Jurassic Park in Manhattan. Aside from poor creature design, having someone like Matthew Broderick at the forefront of this creature-feature was a ill-advised move, as was the comical and mismanaged use of action star, Jean Reno. Yeah, don’t see this one.
3. Rollerball (2002)
What’s the best way to reintroduce the 1975 classic action film, starring James Caan, to the current generation? I know! Let’s cast LL Cool J, Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, and the dude from American Pie, to play as tough guys in a rollerskate-fight to the death tournament! Ugh! I mean, LL Cool J, I can understand, but Rebecca Romijn-Stamos and Chris Klein?! They’re the most non-intimidating people in the entire Hollywood roster! The film barely even touches on the social commentary that the 1975 film is noted for, giving moviegoers just an odd mix-up of actors totally hamming it up as tough guys. Nope.
2. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005)
So…we’re at this point. This film…this film right here? It gave me nightmares. Roald Dahl would have rolled over in his grave TWICE, if he knew this would have been the result of his work. To have taken a whimsical and enjoyable tale of an eccentric candy maker and the winners of his contest, and turn it into an Andy Warhol acid-induced experience of a film, it’s a crying shame! Johnny Depp is downright frightening, as he appears on the screen as some socially awkward, ill-conceived version of the beloved character, Willy Wonka. His pale skin and emaciated appearance are just one of many things wrong with this film, and yes, I finished the film from beginning to end, and yes, I do regret, everyday of my life.
1. The Wicker Man (2006)
Yeah…nothing ruins a film like Nicolas Cage, but nothing ruins movies even more than Nicolas Cage pretending to be attacked by CGI bees. Horrible. The man has got to be the most clueless detective in the whole world, and barely even recognizes the signs throughout the whole film, and when it comes to the end, you are left laughing your head off and scratching it, at the same time, because you don’t know if you’re supposed to be terrified or laughing. Either way, this film makes the top of the list, and rightly so, not only with how much it pales in comparison to the original, but also with how bad the acting throughout the film is. So bad. Like…bad.